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What do I do at a "Celebration of Life"

Q. My friend is home with hospice care for terminal cancer. It's been so sad watching her struggle and seeing her tumor grow, and knowing her life is almost over. She is having a "celebration of life" soon, and will not have a funeral after she dies. Of course I want to go to her celebration of life, but I don't know what to do or say.

A: More people are choosing to not have advanced treatment for cancer that offers a low rate of recovery and will lower the quality of life that is remaining. Often people who choose to die at home with hospice will want to appreciate the life they have remaining and say goodbye to friends. A celebration of life is sometimes an alternative to funeral. But wondering what to "do and say" can cause a friend to not attend, and you really do want to go to her celebration of life.

There will probably be a short program that may include music, readings and family and friends talking, reading letters and sharing memories. If the celebrant is feeling up to personal greetings at the conclusion, there will be a receiving line.

Attend with an open mind and no expectations. You will find out what the program will be when you arrive. If there is no program, there may be a receiving line including the celebrant and family. If you don't know what to day, give a hug and tell the person you love them. That's all you have to say. And be sure to also greet the family who is suffering, also.

Don't say platitudes like "God has a plan for us", "she is going to a better place", "maybe it's not as bad as you think". Those words generally don't help. Keep in mind the family is already grieving the approaching loss and may be in the anger stage, and platitudes will make them feel worse, not better.

If the celebrant is obviously getting tired, don't push to give a greeting even if you feel "left out". Yes, you are also grieving, but respect that this is for her/him. You can write a letter later, or visit in the next few days.

Getting ready for death is a very stressful, emotional time, but a celebration of life can help work through the grieving process.

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