Ending a Relationship

 

Q: For my "New Year's Resolution" I want to end the unhealthy relationship I have with my boyfriend. We have been living together for three years, in a house I own. We are both in our late 30's. There is no love anymore, we are not even friends now. And it is not a relationship for convenience, either, as I feel very resentful, and the relationship is very inconvenient for me. Since we have been living together, my boyfriend has had a series of jobs that last a couple of months at the most. He doesn't feel like he has to work, because I have a good income. When I am at work he sits around watching television or uses the internet all day, doesn't help with any of the housework, or contribute to household expenses.But the worst part is the way he treats me. He doesn't hit, but is very cruel in the way he talks to me, and he puts me down when we are with other people. I don't know how our relationship has gotten like this. I have always thought I was an intelligent woman, but feel stupid now. I know I need to end this relationship, but don't want to just kick him out, since I don't know how he will get along without me. But I want my life back. I am not "myself" anymore, and don't like the way I feel.

A: Even intelligent people get involved in destructive relationships. You have recognized this, and decided it is time to get out and get on with your life. It sounds like you have given yourself a deadline, the New Year, and it is helpful to you to have a goal in mind. You are also compassionate, and concerned for your boyfriends well being, being on his own.

This is one of those situations where it might get worse before it gets better, but you have to take those painful steps to separate before you will start feeling better again. Since you write that your boyfriend is not physically abusive, it will not be as difficult. But be sure to pick a time to talk to him when you have not been arguing, or drinking, because you want to be reasonably sure that the situation won't become too explosive. You might want to have a friend or family member (maybe a brother) present when you talk with him. Tell him how you are feeling, and what you want to happen. You might want to give him a short period of time to make arrangements for a job, place to live. It is very possible that he is not feeling very good about himself and part of his verbal abusiveness is to put you down, make himself feel better. You didn't state the circumstances of why he doesn't work, whether it is for health reasons, lay-off from work. But keep in mind he is not your child, he is an adult. And you cannot "fix" his life, he has to do that himself. You can help him without enabling him. He needs to make choices for himself. It is possible the relationship worked out the way it did because of your personalities, and it is no one's "fault".

I hope things work out for you. This is a difficult situation for you, but you have the ability to move on with your life. And you owe that to yourself. You are not doing either one of you any good by continuing, and you know that.

Best wishes to you for the New Year, and your new life. Let me know how you are doing.

Home / Online Counseling / Ask Calm Spirit
Fibromyalgia / Hot Flash! / Migraine Headache
Reiki / Qigong / Gua Sha / Feng Shui
Chinese Herbs and Tea
China Travel
Ying Yu Chinese Jade