Battle Ground: Early Adolescence

Q:My 13 year old daughter and I argue almost every day. She used to be a sweet child, but since she became a teenager, she has changed so much. I wonder if our relationship will ever be good again. I don't want to fight with her about every little thing, but she pushes and pushes...

A: Young adolescents are a parent challenge! They are going through dramatic changes, personally, socially, emotionally and physically, These changes can be unsettling for parents and well as the teens themselves. They are often feeling caught between their yearning for freedom and independence, and their desire to retain the privileges and prerogatives of childhood. Mood may change with lightening speed! Keep in mind that they are learning to deal with and handle all these changes that come with this age.
So it is not unusual for parents to find early adolescence to be tough going. While your child may do many things that you find objectionable, avoid getting in battles over every issue. If you choose to fight every battle, you are assured of fighting a larger war. This does not mean that you should stay silent, but rather that you reserve your expressions of concern for the issues that really matter to you. Your relationship with your child will call for a mix of tenderness, firmness, understanding, restraint and a sense of humor.
Attend school functions and meet with other parents to find out what is "normal" behavior for this time in their lives. Talk to your teen's teachers and guidance counselor, as sometimes that can be very reassuring to hear that in issue you think is is abnormal is really part of this growing experience. They are with this age group every day, and can tell you if they are observing something to be concerned about.
Young adolescents still need your guidance, they need rules, and they need to know that you will enforce the rules. If you don't, they will lose their sense of safety. If you act more like a friend than a parent, you are not doing them any favors in the long run, because they still need that security of knowing their parents can still "make" them do what is best for them.
This is your last chance to influence your child, instill your values. Choose your battles, saving the big ones for issues that are most important to you.
Good luck, and contact me if you need to "talk".

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