Teen and Trust: Sex

Q: I am having a big and annoying problem with my parents. They just don't trust me, and have perverted minds. I am supposed to go home after school and do my homework right away. I'm almost 14 and in the eighth grade. Mom gets home about an hour after I do, then my dad comes home and we have dinner. My brother gets home when I do, and since he's 12 I am responsible for watching him until one of my parents comes home. I am also supposed to get dinner started. So I am responsible, and I think mature. The problem is that I don't have very much time to see my friends. My best friend is a boy, who is like a brother, and we want to do our homework together. But my parents won't let him be in our house because they are not there to supervise us. So sometimes he comes over after dinner, and it's noisy and we want to go to my room to study. They make it sound like we're going to DO something. They think if we go in my bedroom and close the door so we can concentrate, we will be DOING IT. He's just a friend, not a boyfriend. Why can't they trust me? Amanda

Q: My daughter is 15 years old, and she is really a pretty good kid. We have an excellent relationship and has proven herself to be responsible, so she has earned my trust. She has a boyfriend, and they like to do homework together. However, she wants to use her bedroom for studying together, even close the door so they can work without being bothered by the family activity. He seems to be a nice boy, from a good family, and spends a lot of time here especially on weekends, sometimes pretty late, but we have not noticed anything suspicious. I really don't want them together in her room with the door closed, but I don't want to act like a parent who doesn't trust her child. Are kids this age at risk being together, in our home, alone?

A: Researchers at Child's Trends recently released a report based on a national teen survey that has been tracking about 8000 teens since 1997. The ages of these teens ranged from 12-16 when the survey began, and the same groups has been interviewed every year since then. The data suggests that by the time students are in the ninth grade, 34% have had sexual intercourse. That number rises to 60% by the time they are in twelfth grade. This survey does not include other sexual activity (oral sex, anal sex). 56% said they first had sex at their family's home, or at the home of their partner's family. 42% said their first sexual encounter was at night, between 10 p.m. and 7 a.m. and 28% said it was in the evening between 6 and 10 p.m. Just 15% said it was in the late afternoon between 3 and 6 p.m. And the study further indicates that the parents were in the house.

Another 12% had their first sexual at a friend's house; 4% in a truck or car; 3% at an outdoor place or a park and 3% at a hotel or motel.

To Amanda: Maybe you and your friend have no plan to have sex, but at your age most sex is unplanned. When I ask girls what they think about going to their room to study with a boy, they usually say they plan to study. That's all. But when I ask boys what they think about using a bedroom for studying, their first response is usually thinking that "something" might happen. Boys and girls think differently. Girls think more about relationships while boys, just because of their physical make up, think more about sex. So your mother is not "perverted" in her thinking. She knows about this, and your father probably remembers what it was like to be a teenager. It is your parents' responsibility to know where you are, and what you are doing, and keep you from being in a situation that might be dangerous for you. This survey also reported that most teens don't really understand how their parents feel about this. It is not that they don't trust you. It is because they would rather make a mistake on the "safe side".

To Mom: You are correct in realizing that you need to supervise your children in the home, as the studies show that is the place where most teens have their first sexual encounter. Parents have a significant impact on their children's decisions about sex. Studies have also shown that teen girls who are close to their moms are more likely to stay virgins. So keep doing what you know is right. You won't regret it later.

 

Home / Online Counseling / Ask Calm Spirit
Fibromyalgia / Hot Flash! / Migraine Headache
Reiki / Qigong / Gua Sha / Feng Shui
Chinese Herbs and Tea
China Travel
Ying Yu Chinese Jade