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Did I Make My Girlfriend Depressed
by Breaking Up with Her?

Q: My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year. She always puts a lot of pressure on me, and when she was telling me everything she expected from our relationship during the Christmas holidays, I decided that I didn't want to continue in the relationship and broke it off with her. I did my best to tell her the reasons and that I wanted to make a clean break rather than causing a lot of pain by letting it drag on, and I really told her as gently as I could. She wanted me to stay with her until after the Christmas and New Year holidays, but I didn't want to put any more time into this relationship, as it would be too painful for me. Yesterday she called me and told me that she was so depressed because I broke up with her before the holidays that she was taking antidepressants. And she blamed her depression on me and told me I was responsible. Is it really my fault?

A: Breaking up is hard to do, but it sounds like you took care with her feelings when you told her. It's not your responsibility to stay in a relationship that isn't working out to keep the other person from suffering. To say it is your fault for her depression is manipulative, and she is blaming you for her problems.

Yes, she was probably hurt when you broke off the relationship. But anyone who puts a lot of pressure on the other partner of the relationship isn't a comfortable companion. People manipulate others so they can be comfortable and happy without thinking about how their manipulations hurt others. She is not blameless, and continues to try to manipulate you by blaming you for her problems.

Don't let her hook you back into the relationship. If you decide to get back together with her, do it only because you really want to, not because you feel like you should, or feel sorry for her. A relationship built on those reasons will never be happy relationship for either of you. If you feel guilty when she calls you or tries to talk with you, the kindest action would be to wish her well, and say good-bye instead of getting caught up in something you don't want.

I hope you start feeling better about this, and please let me know if you would like to discuss this further.

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