Do I Need Anger Management?

Q: My wife has insisted that I go to a counselor because she says that I need "anger management". OK, I admit I do get really mad sometimes, but I am not an abuser or an abusive person. It's like a grown up temper tantrum. I also admit I need some help right now, but I don't really think it is a so-called "anger management" problem. Our son was recently killed by a drunk driver, and I am mad as hell, but I think I have every reason to feel that way. How do you think "anger management:" is going to help me"?

A: Sometimes it is difficult to tell when anger is normal, and when it is part of a larger problem.

Anger is a human emotion that is characterized by a strong feeling of rage, wrath or displeasure. Anger is a normal human emotion; an anger management problem is not normal and can often be an abusive situation. A person who has an anger management problem may have any of the following symptoms:

  • Worsening history of explosive aggressive outbursts leading to assault or destruction of property
  • severe hostility to insignificant irritants
  • unnecessary harsh and immediate judgment of others
  • frequent use of passive aggressive patterns, such as social withdrawal, heavy use of sarcasm, backstabbing, poor compliance and defying rules/authority
  • increasing pattern of challenging or disrespectful treatment of others
  • frequent use of verbally offensive language
  • difficulty maintaining jobs or personal relationships due to anger related behaviors
  • history of legal problems resulting from violent actions
  • expression of anger places self and other at risk for harm

Anger and aggression are actually an avoidance of true feelings, versus the direct expression of feelings. Some other feelings that might be beneath rage or anger include hurt, frustration, fear, sadness, depression, envy, anxiety.

Everyone expresses their feelings in different ways. We usually find that it is easier to express positive feelings than negative feelings. Many times when people don't know how to express negative feelings in a healthy way, they resort to angry outbursts.

A trained mental health professional can assess a person to discover if a disorder may be associated with an anger management problem. Some disorders include bipolar disorder; major depression, major mental illness, intermittent explosive disorder, general anxiety disorder, antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, paranoid personality disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, drug or alcohol dependence or abuse.

In children or adolescents, many of the above may apply, including opposition defiance disorder, reactive attachment disorder, conduct disorder.

So an evaluation by a mental health professional will give you more information about what is really going on with you. There are several treatments that can be helpful, depending on the defined problem, including individual, group and/or family counseling. Medication therapy may also be helpful to reduce irritability, moodiness. I hope you will seek professional counseling, and let me know how you are doing.

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