Parents of College Students:
When Letting Go is Hard To Do

Q:My 19-year-old daughter started college this year at an out-of-state university. However, I think it was a mistake to let her attend her first year of college at the university that is so far away that I can't keep tabs on her and what is going in with her classes. I have the password for her campus records, and was able to help her rearrange her schedule so her classes would be more convenient, but when I saw her first term grades and immediately called her professor for an explanation of a grade that was lower than I expected, she got very angry with me, and the professor hinted that I was too involved with her college life. But I need to stay involved, don't I? We are also arguing about her not having the time to call me at least once each day to let me know what and how she is doing. And when I call her, most of the time her phone is turned off. I still want us to be close even though she is several hundred miles away.

A: While you want to stay connected, going off to college is the time for parents to let go, and for students to learn to do things for themselves. They need the experience of learning how to deal with problems so they can learn now instead of when they graduate. Yes, she will make mistakes, but that's how she will learn. And it's as difficult for her to learn to do these things on her own as it is for you to let go. You can be supportive and connected without being a "helicopter parent", always hovering and ready to swoop in.
· Listen to problems. Don't offer advice right away, but brainstorm with her about possible solutions. This helps to empower her. And do make it clear that you have confidence in her that she can handle the situation
· If you feel like you must give advice, offer it as a suggestion and leave it at that. Don't expect that the advice will be followed
· Accept that she will make mistakes. That's how people learn. She will learn to correct any errors that she makes
· And do realize that this is a natural part of her becoming an independent person. One phone call a week is enough

I understand it's difficult for you, but your job as a parent is to raise your child to be independent. If you don't let go, both you and she will pay the price later.